I have had experiences where it felt like sadness would swallow me whole. I know you probably have too, I know I’m not unique in this. Experiences of sadness and grief that felt insurmountable. Some of these were during miscarriages, some during my own personal failures, some during the death of each of my parents.
But I’ve never experienced anger that I thought might swallow me whole. That’s a praise, I recognize it’s amazing to live 44 years and never have had to face that kind of anger. But recently, God chose in His sovereignty to allow me to experience this feeling. It wasn’t pretty. 🙂
Coming out on the other side, God has been so gracious, so I wanted to share a few of things He showed me and the process he took me through, in case you ever feel like this too.
1. Forgive: First, in an almost-audible voice God forcefully said, You HAVE to forgive. That is, burn the IOU. Release the debt. Through a process with God, I did that. And this isn’t a one-time thing (Matt 18:21-22). Usually it’s over and over and over. For me, it helps to actually write out what wrong has been done, like an IOU, and then burn it, symbolizing that I am releasing that debt.
2. Grieve: Just because something is forgiven doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, and it certainly doesn’t mean that the loss isn’t still real and painful. Along with the person who was wronged, we went through a process of grieving what had been lost. We chose to do this as a small ceremony together (like a funeral) and it greatly helped our hearts.
3. Identify God’s legit goodness: I say legit just because this isn’t a fakey fakey religious thing where we pretend that terrible things are actually good. For us, this meant honestly identifying some extremely difficult and painful things and also seeing that God was actively working for the good and even in this situation. It was so helpful to talk through how truly gracious God had been and thank Him specifically for His blessings.
4. Pray blessing over the person who hurt you. Only after we truly recognize God’s goodness toward us can be honestly pray blessing over someone who hurt us. Scripture clearly commands us to do this.
5. Release hate. Though all these steps were good, one Sunday I sat in my chair in church, waiting to take communion because I realized there still was something deeply off in my heart. The message was on Kindness. I had released anger, I had forgiven, I had gone through this process, I had even prayed for this person, but that morning I had read Luke 6:35. “But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.”
Kindness. God is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. I realized that while I had forgiven, grieved, and prayed for this person, I still felt absolutely incapable of being kind to this person. Kindness is active. It’s outward. Bowing my head I told God I could not be kind to this person, there was something still in my heart that was blocking this fruit of the spirit. I asked Him, what is it?
I heard it clearly: Hate.
Yikes. No bueno. I knew that was it, and also that if I let it stay, it would kill me, body and spirit. Like letting a deadly cancer stay, it would spread. It would destroy me. We’ve all seen people who clearly have let hate make its home in their hearts. We don’t want that.
But strangely enough, I had to admit I did kind of want it. I remembered the scene from Count of Monte Cristo where Mercedes begs Edmond to let go of his dark plans of revenge. He responds, “If ever you loved me, don’t rob me of my hate. It’s all I have.”
What is it about hate that feels like something valuable to hold onto? I had never before understood that dark desire to keep it, but now I did.
Thankfully, I also knew the enemy wants nothing more than to get us to hold onto our hate, thinking we need it somehow, that it’s the fuel we need for life.
Like with Luke Skywalker, the dark Emporer Palpatine eggs us on, encouraging us to use our hate to help others. He basically says, “Let hate be your fuel.”
But Luke refuses. He refuses to let hate turn him to the dark side. He recognizes that hate will destroy his true mission.
As it will ours. Our true mission is to destroy the works of the evil one (1 John 3:8). And he wants to sow discord. He wants to take mere mistakes, mishaps, and foolish choices and make them irredeemable. He wants to keep us trapped in hate, anger, malice, and unforgiveness because that is what separates us from God.
Scripture could not be more clear: “If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen” (1 John 4:20).
I also knew that although I did now truly WANT to be free from it, I couldn’t will it away. I couldn’t remove it myself. It was impossible on my own. Only God could take it. With tears and snot running down my face I asked him to please take it away.
And He did. 🙂
The truth is, people make mistakes, they’re often careless. I make mistakes. I’m often careless. It is inevitable that we’re hurt, angered, betrayed. CS Lewis beautifully reminded us that, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.” So our options are refuse to love (and lock away our hearts in dark coffins) OR learn to process the pain that love inevitably brings.
I opt for the latter. If you do too then we must become adept at this process and learn to let God lead us through it, if we’re going to make it through this life loving others without letting hate destroy our souls.
God has been so kind to us. The truth is, we hurt and betray him in word, thought, and action often. Jesus died for people who betrayed him.
Kindness, forgiveness, and grace are the waters of the gospel and we want them washed over us we must wash them over others as well. Amen? Thanks for reading.