From His & Hers to Ours

Today marks 17 years since Jeff & I vowed to leave our separate lives and cleave to one another in marriage. The vows we spoke were fairly simple, I remember some “for better or for worse” business and “forsaking all others” stuff and something along the lines of “as long as we both shall live.”

Easier said than done.

It’s a strange phrase, but the exhortation to “catch the little foxes that spoil the vine” (Song of Songs 2:15) is just about the best marriage-advice out there.

It’s the little stuff, over the long haul, that threatens to spoil the most important human relationship we will ever have.

We’ve had some little foxes come our way, too. Most recently, God did a deep work in my own heart, and while it was painful, I now see it bearing great fruit. Jeff and I shared bits of it here…

God took us from “His & Hers” to “Ours.”

When we were first married, Jeff & I visited distant relatives in Chicago, and while we were there we attended a funeral for one of their friends. We had never met this person, but it impacted us deeply.

It was said of this man (and his wife), “they were two parallel tracks running beside one another.” Each person had “their thing” — they were successful, accomplished, and each ran along their individual track. It was meant to be a praise, but Jeff and I both were alarmed and we knew–we don’t want to be two parallel tracks. We knew God called us to oneness, not separate tracks. We knew, from that point on, we were to pursue oneness and be on guard against going our own way.

There have been challenges along the way, but God really brought my own “separate track” to a head in early April, when Covid quarantine had us all a little on edge.

It was the perfect storm of pregnancy hormones, morning sickness, fatigue, anxiety regarding miscarriage, etc. Several situations surfaced, where I felt like I had to die to myself in drastic ways. I was deeply discouraged. I told God (bitterly) that He apparently made me wrong because it seemed like all the ways He fashioned me were all needing to be stripped away. It felt like every single thing about me needed to change.

God began putting his finger on all the ways I see things as “mine.” While I have relinquished my hold on money, there are plenty of other things I see as “my” this or “my” that.

A big one was, “Your time is not your own.” I realized I see each day as “my” time, so I’m frustrated when it feels wasted or squandered by others. He showed me that none of my time is “my” time.

Then, the day before Easter, Jeff used my SUV (which I loved, my favorite car I’ve ever had) to make a rather long trip (that I didn’t want him to take), and it died. As in, engine dead. $10,000 to fix, and that’s about exactly what it was worth. 

My car, gone.

I’m not a big car-person, so I was completely caught off guard by how emotionally I responded. I soon realized that my car represented the only thing in my life that is “mine.” In our 17 years of marriage I had allowed resentment to build up–I felt like every area of my life had been “taken over” by someone else. Except my car. I kept it clean and tidy, washed it every week. 

It was the one and only thing that was mine.

And then he took it and it was gone. It felt like the last straw of things taken from me. Inwardly, I was angry at Jeff even though I knew it wasn’t really him. It was really God. Confirming that, as we prayed about replacing it, God began showing me He had a new plan. Rather than having “Jeff’s” car and “my” car (His & Hers), we would instead get a small, fuel-efficient commuter car that whoever needed to drive would use.

I realized that I would no longer have a “my” anywhere in my life. 

It seems silly now, but I shed tears over this whole situation. Clearly, this work needed to happen. When I said yes to Jeff 17 years ago, I committed to a life of “our.” When I said yes to Jesus many years ago, I renounced my claim on my own life. There isn’t enough space to quote all the verses that make this clear. The call to follow Christ means at least that I can let go of whatever is “my.” Thy kingdom. Our belongings. Whether the issue is time, or money, or belongings, or space, or whatever, letting go of “my” is painful, but so necessary. Until I let go of “my” I cannot truly be His. Until I let go of “His” and “Hers” we won’t enjoy the joy that could be OURS.

After hearing me talk about this, a dear 14-year-old girl from our church made me these towels for my 40th birthday. (Isn’t this the coolest gift ever?!) Everyday I see them hanging and it reminds me that “His & Hers” are no longer, and that God’s joy and freedom and LIFE is OURS if we will lay down our rights and possessions and privileges for the sake of someone else.

Friends, do you see that this is so much bigger than marriage? We tend to treat “marriage & family” like it’s a separate topic or ministry from the rest of the “pressing issues” of the day. But it’s not. The willingness to lay down our lives for someone else, the actual process of dying to your own preferences and becoming a person of forbearance, grace, kindness, courage, generosity, and love is the only thing that will actually cure our country and our world of the evils we are facing. Christ is the only resource sufficient. Without redemption, new birth, and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit we simply do not have what it takes to let go of the claim on our lives.

I’m so grateful for these 17 years that have challenged and changed and shaped and molded Jeff and me more and more into the image of Christ. We have so much more to learn, so I hope we get a few dozen more years together for Jesus to work in us. 😉

Thanks for reading.