You are four.

December 20th, 2010

Dear Dutch,

I just tucked you into bed for the last time as a three-year-old.  Boy, you capture my heart.  I came into your room and snuggled up on your bed and asked, “Now Dutch, tell me again–what day is tomorrow?”  With a huge grin in your face you said, “My birthday!!”  “And Dutch, how old are you going to be tomorrow?”  “FOUR!!!”  Then you went on, “And after I’m four, then I’m going to be FIVE! And after I’m five, then I’m going to be SIX! And after…” You went on through all the numbers that you know, until … “then I’m going to be ELEVEN!  (pause) … Mommy, what comes after eleven?”  I told you, and you continued all the way through fourteen.  Then I made you stop because I couldn’t bear the thought of you any older than that, as tears were streaming down my smiling face.  “Fourteen!!  Mommy, I’m going to get SO BIG!”  Tears …  “Yes, baby, you’re going to get so big. This is your last night as a three-year-old boy. You’re going to get so big.  And mommy is so proud of you.  I’m so proud to be your mommy. You are growing so big and godly, and your so brave and kind and smart. Mommy is so proud of you.”

You replied, “Mommy, I love you.  This is the best day.”  I smiled. More tears.

“And Mommy, I have one more thing to tell you.”

“Yes, Dutch?”

“I love Daddy.”  You went on to tell me that you love sister too, and that you love your friends and that you’re never going to be mean to your friends again but you’re going to be a good friend always.  And then you said how much you love our big house and that you’re happy that it’s never going to sell because you want to live here forever. 🙂  And then you randomly began talking about something I cannot repeat because you are learning about private boy and girl parts and you said the most hilarious thing I have ever heard but I cannot blog about. 🙂  So I steered the conversation back to birthdays.

“Goodnight, Mommy.”

“Goodnight, Dutch.”

And now I’m here, son, sitting in my own bed and thinking about what an amazing past four years these have been.  I remember Christmas four years ago, listening to Joseph’s Song by Mercy Me, over and over, thinking about baby Jesus and you, my miracle baby boy, watching you sleep, overwhelmed with love and excitement, and yet terrified, knowing how much was at stake, knowing what a cruel world you were entering and how great was the call God has on your life.  But God has been faithful these past four years and I know He will continue to be.

I do believe, with all my heart, dear son, that God has called you to great things. I plead with God daily for the grace and diligence to train you in His ways, to do all that I possibly can to raise you to be a man of integrity, self-control, honesty, discipline, and character.  I pray specifically that in the next year to two years that you would pray to receive Christ as your Savior, that you would be born again as a new creation, and that His Holy Spirit would enable you to walk in God’s ways. I’m amazed at how much you already understand of the Gospel, and I pray God will quicken your little spirit to full comprehend the gift of grace in Jesus Christ.  If you and Heidi  faithfully walk with Him all of your days then my life will be a success.

Tomorrow you will get many fun toys.  I can’t wait to see your delighted face and squeals of delight.  I can’t wait to make you your favorite pancakes in the morning and I can’t wait to serve you blue cupcakes tomorrow night.  I can’t wait to hear you recite your latest verse, “By wisdom a house is built.  Proverbs 24:FIVE!” and hold out your five fingers, then jump up and down and ask, “Now can I have my gummy?”  Rewards are certainly the way to your heart.  🙂

Thank you, son, for four wonderful years of life. I plead with God today that He helps me be the mommy I need to be to raise you in His ways.  I want with every ounce of my being for you to simply be a man who loves God.  And even this moment, on the dawn of your fourth birthday, I pray this year you would grow to be a little boy who loves God.  Continue to embrace life. Color, play, race, and run with all your might. It’s fine with me if you continue to wear your pants backwards as well, we have plenty of time to work on that down the road.

Happy birthday, son!  You are a fine four-year-old boy.

With love beyond your comprehension,

Mommy.