I wrote last about God’s seemingly special attention to me lately in the area of humility–specifically in my desperate need for it. The Message’s rendition of Proverbs 14 summed up this lesson so well, “Nor is glory piled on glory good for you.” Some failures apparently are good, the verse is saying, and in an abstract cerebral sort of way I believed that. But now I believe it experientially. I know it.
Friday and Saturday were, for me, one long frustration. I have another blog post that arose out of Friday’s frustration (What’s In Your Hand?), but suffice it to say that for some reason Friday and Saturday, nothing was going right. You know those days where you just feel like no matter what step you take, it was the wrong one? You go one direction just to then realize you “should” have gone the other direction. You make a huge effort to do one thing, just to have it fall apart? The story is too long to tell, but suffice it to say I managed to get stuck in every traffic jam there was between North Portland and Corvallis, and ended up traveling 2 1/2 hours Saturday afternoon only to arrive in Corvallis at a wedding and realize I had gotten the time wrong…and missed the entire thing. Oh yes. It was one of those days. But this was only after I’d been lost multiple times, stuck in a traffic jam, my phone battery died, I missed a doctor’s appointment, missed a date with a friend, then arrived to find Heidi having pooped all the way through her dress, all over her carseat (and me)…By the time we got home at 9pm (I even got stuck in a traffic jam at 8:00 at night! What?!), I was shaking my head wondering what was going on. As I recounted my adventure to Jeff last night I said, “Something has got to be wrong in my life because this is ridiculous.”
I was half-joking. I know that traffic jams happen. I know that people get times mixed up and miss things. Babies poop. I know. But for some reason, there was an exceeding amount of frustration in my life and it was just enough to make me stop.
Frustration stops us.
So I made some tea, put Heidi to bed, and sat with God. One of my favorite psalms (139) ran through my head:
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
This is a prayer I often pray but seldom like to see answered. I mean, who really wants God to seek out an offensive way in us? This is like welcoming a guest into your seemingly spotless house and saying, “Would you mind coming upstairs with me? I’d really like you come see the disgusting filth in the toilet of our master bedroom.” Who wants to see that stuff? It’s offensive! And yet the psalmist is asking God to see it. See the offensive stuff. Why? Because then, we can be led in the way everlasting. Because, as 1 Tim 1:9 says, 9″If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Because He purifies it! Because, unlike your houseguest you will be grossed out by your filth and probably leave, God reaches down and cleans the filth for you. And He’s the only one powerful enough to do it completely.
So I did pray it. And He did answer it. And He did it like only He can do. Where my heart was grieved. Where today, during communion, I almost didn’t take the bread and juice–like I knew exactly how the tax collector felt in Luke 18, praying and beating his chest in the temple, saying “God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” Do you ever feel like that? Like all along you had this yuckiness in your life and you didn’t even know?! And then God moves things around and it shows and it’s like, “What?! Really? Ugh!” I remember Dutch had this sippy cup he used all the time. And because he never drank juice or milk, only water, I always just rinsed it out and kept using it. Then finally I took out the little stopper thing inside the lid and was horrified to realize that it was all moldly inside the stopper. Sick! All this time it had been there and I didn’t even know it! And all this time it’d be affecting my dear little son and I didn’t even know! That’s how I felt. All this time I have a yucky moldy area on my heart. And I’m thankful for God to reveal the “offensive way in me” but it sure is offensive!
By the way, in case you’re afraid that I’m a secret serial killer or something, I’m not. It’s just pride. God was showing me the pride that’s in my heart in the way that I tell stories, the way that I portray things. Maybe that seems small, but there’s so much more to it–it’s so sad to realize the way that even my writing, my wanting to glorify God through stories and lessons, how it’s tainted with wanting to glorify myself. I’ll share more in a post The Way We Paint, but just to set your mind at rest, that’s what God was showing me.
So all this to say that I do think that glory piled on glory is not good for me. Frustration is good because it makes me stop. When things are gliding along perfectly I rarely stop long enough to pray the scary prayer of Psalm 139. And while the prayer may be scary, I’m thankful that God leads us in the way everlasting. He’s good, gentle, faithful. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9 Thank you, God, for the blessing of frustration.