Big "V" Vision

I haven’t written in a few days because I guess I’ve been struck with a case of the blahs.  Just blah.  Tired.  Weary.  Feeling as if the end of the tunnel is finally showing (classes end May 5), and I realize that at the end of the tunnel there is … nothing.  Basically the gist of it is that something I’d kind of been hoping for looks like it’s not really going to be happening, and while we’d been hoping and praying that something would work out so that Jeff could get a job in May when school gets out, our house would sell in McMinnville, and all the pieces would fall into place for us to move out, etc. etc.  I guess without realizing it I once again got my hopes up. 

So this disappointment caught me off guard because I’d really been SO joyful and content and just sensing that God was up to something good (good in my perspective).  So this week it seemed to slap me in the face—this reality that the housing market is an absolute shambles, there are 53 houses just like ours for sale in McMinnville, and the fact of the matter is that May is coming and there’s no job on the horizon. 

So, what do we do with disappointment?  Yesterday I had the honor of playing the djembe at our seminary’s Day of Prayer.  It was SO GOOD to play again! Ahh … it felt like coming home after a long travel abroad.  My hands knew what to do, my spirit was worshipping, I knew I was doing a little bit of what I was created to do.  And after we played, Dr. Blom, who teaches all of the spiritual formation classes, shared a brief message on Vision.  Vision. Hm…  He shared about little “V” vision, symbolized by holding up your first two fingers as if making bunny ears.  Then there is big “V” vision, symbolized by stretching out both arms up as far as possible making a “V” shape out fro your shoulders.  Small V vision are the things like ministry, goals and dreams and hopes for our life.  Our big V vision is the glory and presence of Christ in our lives.  He is our vision.  But we spend too much time totally focused on the little V vision, so much so that we forget all about our big V vision–the glory and presence of Christ.  Our little V vision can be taken from us.  Disappointments, dashed hopes and dreams, failure–all these things can devestate our little V.  But nothing can devestate our big V.  Nothing. 

So after contemplating this, I spent our individual prayer time contemplating some of these things and asking God what it was that was stressing me out about our future.  And He answered:  My attempt to reconcile two opposing drives in my life:  The drive to serve the Lord Christ and the drive for a comfortable life.  These are the two driving forces in my life, and unfortunately they are at odds.  My stress comes from striving to reconcile these two things.  From trying to walk two directions at the same time.  Or, to put it in more biblical terms, from serving two masters.  You cannot serve both God and Mammon.  Seeking to serve God and seeking relative comfort don’t seem like they’re mutually exclusive. I mean, I’m not seeking worldly things, right?  I mean, who doesn’t want a house, enough money to pay their bills, who doesn’t want to NOT live with their parents into their 30’s? 🙂  Who doesn’t want to be financially stable and be able to have good health insurance and who doesn’t want a stable job and who doesn’t want to have a clue about the future?  I can tell you who didn’t … Jesus.  Not serving God and Mammon doesn’t just mean that we forsake attempts to get rich.  It means we decide once and for all who we will serve, and there can only be one choice.  Which drive will it be?  Christ or Comfort?  Which vision will be focus on–the little V or the big V?  What is my vision.  Or rather, Who is my vision?

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee, Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven’s joys, O bright heav’ns Son!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.