I think it's the real thing

I always wonder when I go to a retreat and have some awesome spiritual experience, Is this the real thing or just some spiritual high?  It’s not uncommon to come back from a retreat levitating, hovering above the ground of common life, only to get in your car and get stuck in traffic, or arive home to whiny children, or open the mail and find an overdue cell phone bill, which somehow seems to crumble your little spiritual tower of peace into shambles. 

Well, I thought of this too, with regards to all that God did (See Amazing Grace (my chains are gone)).  Was it the real thing or just a retreat high?  Monday we hit the ground running, and after an insanely busy Sunday and a hectic Monday morning (including Dutch’s explosive save-it-up-for-days poop), we arrived at Multnomah for our 10-hour day of class.  Now school is probably the place where I feel the most free, interestingly enough.  I genuinely love being there and dont’ think I’ve ever not looked forward to going to class.  But looking back I still realize that there were a lot of ways I was bound by those chains.  Telling myself I shouldn’t speak up in class because what if people thought I was showing off or trying to get attention.  Being afraid of saying something dumb, or at least “unprofound” in my comment.  Trying to be meek and quiet by abaonding my own personality.  But this Monday was different. Yes, it was true.  Unwittingly I had a bounce in my step.  When our visiting professor asked for volunteers willing to look silly and do a funny communication game in the front of the class, I found my hand up in the air — why not?  It was so fun!  When I had a question or comment, I just said it, rather than overanalyzing it to death. Now that doesn’t obviously mean that I dominated discussions or just spouted off every thought–please don’t think that’s what I’m saying. But what I’m saying is that I didn’t filter my actions through the fear filter.  I just lived. 

But the real test is Tuesdays.  Some of you probably read my depths-of-despair blog from a few months back about “stupid Tuesdays” and how much stress I was feeling.  A lot of my fear/chains/anxiety was centered around feelings at church. NOT because of the church as if it was their fault in any way, but through a couple of situations I’d somehow felt that people thought we were just seeking some position or status, and so I let myself be chained by worrying about what other people thought, and obsessing over “doing it right”.  Besides that, I felt like we didn’t belong or fit in right, so I tried to figure out how to make it all fit.  It was like walking around in size 7 shoes–close, but not quite right. 

So tonight, without even knowing it, I got ready for Jeff’s class in anticipation–joyful expectation.  Instead of being worried about people thinking we’re too young or judging our motives, I was just excited to be with God’s people and be me.  I dressed like I wanted to dressed.  And I haven’t felt that kind of joy in church in SO LONG.  I realized, I was me!  I enjoyed people like never before because I was thinking about them, instead of somehow worrying about whether I was measuring up or not. During class, Jeff asked me to share about a sermon I’d recently shared in seminary, and I did, joyfully and enthusiastically and happily, without saying “You better act meek and only say two sentences or less because people will think you’re trying to get attention.”  What ridiculousness!  Instead, I let the words flow from a free and enthusiastic heart.  After class, I went around to find different people to talk to, enthusiastically greeting them, instead of cowering in a corner with Dutch, wanting to be quiet little Kari who shouldn’t draw too much attention.  Anyway, it may all sound like small things–but they were huge things in my heart.  And you know what–I felt like I belonged more tonight than ever before! I didn’t feel like an outsider, I felt right at home, with people I could simply love and with whom I could give my whole free self and not worry about what they thought. 

I know–most of you probably learned all these lessons in middle school, huh?  My dad said he learned this when he was 19.  Well, I’m a little slow in the maturity department.  Maybe I’m going through spiritual puberty–no, that sounds too weird.  More like a baby bird learning to fly.  Whatever it is, I think it’s the real thing.  And I’m glad.