Sometimes the best lessons nearly knock the wind out of us. A simple question from my friend Dawson, more than ten years ago, has forever shaped my perspective of true expectancy… [excerpt from When God Broke My Heart.]
That fall proved to be the darkest season I’d experienced so far. Jason had told me that perhaps there’d be a time in the future when we would be together, he just didn’t feel a peace about it at this time, so he’d thought it was better for us to stay just friends. Because of this wording, the door remained open a crack in my heart, and gave me something to cling to.
To a hungry heart, even what is bitter tastes sweet.
I was so hungry, I didn’t care that this was not the best. I’d placed my heart’s hopes on Jeff, my dream, my “best,” and it shattered me. Though Jason wasn’t my dream, he seemed my only hope, so I placed my hope in him. This misplaced hope however, proved destructive, as all misplaced hope is.
I journaled and prayed about waiting on God. I was waiting on the Lord, I told myself. One afternoon, my childhood best friend, Dawson, was driving me home. His old Honda shook as we drove up I-5 and the stereo blared some new off-beat album only he could name. He asked me how I was doing. How I was really doing.
“I’m just waiting on the Lord, you know,” I said, more cheerfully than I felt. Dawson kept his eyes on the road, silent for a few moment. His eyes narrowed in thought. About once every five years or so Dawson says something profound that pierces my heart.
“Kari, are you waiting on the Lord and are you waiting on Jason?”
I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. I hate it when Dawson’s right. He’s a clown and a goof and younger than me and I hate it when he has one of those moments. But more than hating that, I hated that he was right. I had never thought there was a difference, but now, with the light shining down in the depths of my heart, I knew there was. I’d been waiting on a man instead of waiting on God. I didn’t respond to Dawson, but when I got home I sat down with God and once again poured out my heart. I realized that by hoping in a person, I’d simply waited for my desired result. By waiting on God, I surrender the result entirely, completely relinquishing control and accepting that in God’s timing He will do His will in my life for my good and His glory.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend.
Now, I ask myself this question all the time:
Am I waiting on God or waiting on my circumstances to change?
Now, know it’s not always clear-cut, and sometimes it’s hard to tell because part of waiting on God really does include some concrete things like applications, relationships, etc.
But, the key is this: Waiting on God keeps my eyes firmly fixed on Him, where waiting on a person or a circumstance keeps my eyes fixed on people and circumstances, which change and shift and will soon lead to disappointment, depression and anxiety. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Kind of like a cycle, huh?
“My soul, wait silently for God alone,For my expectation [expectancy] is from Him.” Ps. 62:5
Expectation keeps our eyes on the circumstances because we are busy trying to line up what we think should happen with what is happening, desperately jockeying our expectations and our reality [usually through control] so they will line up. Expectancy keeps our eyes on God-relinquishing control in favor of trusting God with whatever He sees fit.
Remember the expectation cycle? Where we have our eyes fixed on a picture of what we want? Expectancy takes our eyes off the picture and fixes our gaze at God instead.
Expectancy vs. expectation: Where is my gaze?
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Where, dear friend, is yours? Thank you so much for reading.